Caring for a Mentally Ill Spouse

The National Institute of Mental Health in America reports that 26% of adults (over 18) eg 1 in 4 of the population will "suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year" and of those 6% will suffer from a severe illness (2010). According to the World Health Organisation this picture is replicated across Europe. And yet although mental illness is a common disorder and stars like Stephen Fry have talked openly about it,  there is still an awful lot of stigma attached to it. And for those with spouses or partners it can be a lonely existence as the world of possibilities appear to shrink.

Being married to someone who has a severe mental illness can be very lonely. I was 29 when I met my husband. We met in hospital. It was my last day as a patient and his first. A couple of months later we landed up living in the same shared house, and a few months later started going out together. Our psychiatrist was pleased. He said that we were both such odd people we would suit each other.

18 months later we were married. Our first year was ok. We didn't have much but we were so glad to have each other. My husband was subject to an irrational outburst of temper but as I refused to argue with him they faded away. I didn't know it then, but that was the best year of our married life so far.  During our second year together, he became really ill.  We turned in on ourselves, embarrassed and afraid. We talked to our Drs and all they did was push medication and more medications. The consultant psychiatrist said that he was too ill to treat, so for a  whole year he slept for 21 hours a day. When they reduced his medication he had lost his confidence and belief in himself. I had lost most of my friends. I felt I had no one to turn to, no one to offer me advice. I wish I knew then what I know now.  For us It was the start of the lonely years.

1. Ask for help when you need it - GP, specialist services (Community Mental Health Team), friends, family, voluntary organisations like the Samaritans, and Mind. There is help out there but most of the time you have to go out and ask for it. It rarely comes to you. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone or send an email. NHS choices can give you information on services available in your area.
   
2. Schedule in some 'me time' - your partner may need you but you also need space. Schedule in regular times every month to pamper yourself, go out for a meal, play football... just do something you enjoy.
3. Keep up a social life - letting your social life disappear because your partner is scared about socialising, or is too ill may mean that you have to go out by yourself. It can be difficult and awkward but it's better than feeling isolated at home. Hold your head up high, enjoy it and return home feeling refreshed.
   
4. Avoid critical friends, relatives and so called 'experts' - Listening to other people can really get you down. If people patronise you or your spouse or keep making disparaging or critical remarks, then don't have contact with them. You don't need them.
   
5. Join an on-line group - There are numerous websites and on-line forums where you can talk to other people in similar situations. The Mental Health Forum is one such example. The Mental Health Foundation runs one. The Mental Health Foundation has groups on Twitter, Facebook and other social networking sites.
   
6. Remember you're a spouse, not just a carer- It's very easy to fall into the trap of always being a carer. Make sure that it's not just one endless round of shopping, washing, cleaning and reminding them about taking tablets. Remember to have fun, with them. The illness is just a by product and the person you love is still there.
   
7. Don't always give in to their illness- It's very easy to get into a pattern of always doing what your partner wants - no television because it disturbs them, curtains closed because they are afraid someone might see them, no trees at Christmas. Remember you share that space as well. It's good to remind them that it's your home as well. Mental illness can make people very selfish
8. Take a holiday - Funds may not allow a long holiday, but if you can it will be worth it. For some couples it works going together - for others they need a break alone. Yes arranging support or respite care can be difficult, but if you plan ahead it can be done. Help is available from Helpguide. The effects of the break will be more than worth the effort if you're prepared to let go and enjoy it.
9. Obtain financial support - If you are a full-time carer then you will certainly be entitled to some financial support. It can seem too much of an effot to jump through a lot of bureaucratic hurdles but there are people who can advise you such as Citizens Advice Bureau, and many of the leading mental health charities. Additional funds may help you to get out more.